So most of you who are reading this already know about the tragedy that has fallen upon my life, so i wont go into it to much. Lets be honest no one wants to hear me go on and on about it. I just want people to know how things are going since the accident.
I currently live with my in-laws and i am so thankful that they allow me to be here, i don't know what i would have done if they didn't. The reason i chose to stay here is so i could be closer to Matthew's resting place, and i wanted his parents to get the chance to be around their grandson to possible help ease some of the pain. Laban is a wonderful baby but he is growing up so fast, i miss when all he wanted to do was snuggle with me. Now he doesn't stay still. Going through everything with a baby to take care of i never really got the chance to grieve. I think i go through it a little everyday. I think i am ready to start moving on with my life little by little. Matthew will always have a special place in my heart, he was my first love and the father of my child. He will more then likely come up in a conversation and to me that's fine. I think it would be weird if i didn't talk about him, and i know that it will start to diminish over time but for now I'm okay with it.
Ever time i think of me moving on and possible getting married again i think of a conversation i had with Matthew in Colorado Springs. We were talking about if we would ever get remarried if something happened to the other one. He told me he wanted me to especially if i were still in my 20's and if we had children, he wanted to know that i was happy and that there would be someone to be a father figure to the children. How weird is it that it actually happened. I am not ready to start dating but i know that if it is meant to be then so be it. I want to start this new life i have, i hate being alone and that Laban doesn't know what its like to have someone else help take care of him like i do. He doesn't know what its like to have a father and that makes me sad. He shouldn't have to go through that for the rest of his life.
I know I'm not perfect but i do hope to find that i am perfect in someone eyes again. I miss doing all the things a wife does for her husband, i want to say that I'm a family not just a single mother. And in order to start this new life i have, i have am planning on moving to Florida near my brother. Not that its exactly where i want to be but i need to be on my own but near someone who can help me with Laban if i need it. And to be honest i need to get some place warm soon or else i will go nuts. I don't plan on going until the summer after Laban turns 1, i think it is important for him to still be around his Nana and Papa for that and since i am not that far away from my parents. I don't know what my life is going to be like but i know i am going to make the best of it and try to be as happy as i can be with my wonderful son. I hope to meet some interesting people and do some interesting things.
